Bastard parking,chocolate for breakfast?..Bollocks it must be December
I'm not sure how it happened one minute I'm wedging the bank card in Bristol Airports short stay car park machine, causing a large tail back and a small police incident- by illegally dumping the car full of children in the "security zone" and running back towards the automated gate, "Basil Faulty" stlye to give it a good kicking for failing to return the bank card I offered it,just to let me out the sodding place
I have to admit the Policeman was very helpful pointing out that they would have to tow the car if I left it there and the children do "look a bit scared" ...the thought did cross my mind- leave the kids in the care of the state for a week whilst I run off on a jolly in place of the planned half term week with Grannies, Grandpas,Aunties and Uncles etc,instead of a Reginald Perrin week the Policeman offered to guard the machine, call maintenance guy to come open it up and look for the card, whilst I drove back round the houses and into the car park for a second fucking time -we were only meant to be "dropping mummy off" for her business trip, I had all ready put 3 pound coins in the hateful machine,before resorting to shoving the team debit card in the slot meant for prepaid tickets-how was I meant to know that? I live in a shed most of the time -by this time the machine had given up the card via maintenance guys screwdriver and I was able to get on my way,fueling up for the 300 mile trip "up north" - 4 of us and various kiddie crap squashed into 13 year old Audi A3,only as the 13 year old Land Rover had "rogered" its self the day before. The sound track was "Are we on the motorway yet?" from the 4 year old accompanied by "Its my turn on the Kindle" every alternate minute from the 6 and 8 year old - I was happy when "Kindle" battery went flat- unfortunately the 8 year old spotted a USB charger at the services- bollocks-how times have changed back in my day you were lucky to get a bag of Golden Wonder to share at the services- but I couldn't endure the whingeing of no Kindle for another 100 miles,plus the 4 year old had moved onto "when are we off the motorway?" and I could tell he was building up to "are we there yet?"
Anyway -that was the end of October ,the next thing I know is the little angels can only be pried out of bed in the mornings by reminding them about snowman shaped chocolates hiding behind cardboard windows,which means... its December and "Sodding Christmas" is bearing down on me,what happened to November? I have no idea,I must have used it without noticing, done some house bashing ? come to think of it I have a distant memory of some shed time,a foreign land, cider,old mates and Rugby.
I know Im paying the price now......
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 09th December 2013 3:46pm gmt
Quote of the day- âEventually, Postgate won - and the Clangers apparently swear like troopers, for those who can translateâ.
Possibilly they had just learnt of an "99p ebay" purchased full size piano that that is on its way to their once peaceful , happy abode....FFS
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 07th November 2013 10:42am gmt
Back to the Shed....
Back to the shed..
Shed time is precious once in there the world seems ahappier place, a bit like riding the mower up down the garden for a couple ofhours- I am in my own happy little place for a while,no bastard ballet, noâHello kittyâ sock strops, and no soddingbastardskirting boards to ruin yourday ,so you can imagine my dismay when Â¾ the way through some mower therapy myears were greeted by a noise similar toa jump jet sucking up a flock of swans â after quickly removing small bits ofred hot ball bearings from myextremities the root cause of the noise was quicklytraced to the two blades hitting each other-due to a massive loss of said ball bearings fromthe blade drive train..buggerâ¦.
This was a mower that was given to me three years ago as itwas âknackeredâ and âdidnât workâ since then we have spent a lot of timetogether not all of it spent cutting grass-a good part of it spent with meswearing at it in the middle of the field surrounded by 6â long grass lookingfor the âlittle springâ that just fell out the âwidjetâ thatâs a âbit iffy butkeeps it runningâ¦ if you wedge your foot under this leverâ so needless to say I feel quite attached tothe old lump as I do towards the other cobbled together relics in the shed
Two new bearings, new belt, blades and a quick coat of oxideprimer to the deck we are ready to ride
SPOT THE KNACKERED BEARING!
Also back in the shed is the Scimitar, back from itsâFireball XL5â exploits in France, Wednesdaymorning the insurance assessor came to visit it- ironically back in 1976he was a mechanic at the dealership inBristol that supplied Scimitars (John Dangerfield) and remembers carrying outthe modification to the weber carburettors called for in therecall of 1976,my Scimitar is a 1976 modeland still carries the same dealers badge,
unfortunately the recall modificationwas never carried out to mine.. resulting in the fireâ¦bugger
Spot whats missing!
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 12th October 2013 3:09pm gmt
Glitch in grumpiness
Fond memoriesâ¦.(before turning into a grumpy old git again)
15 years ago I knocked off work early and set off down theM3 onto the A303 heading towards theSouth West in my trusty 1977 Dolomite sprint (Named âZanusiâ after the old washing machine that had been used to hold thefloor together ) the low cloud cleared traffic disappeared and with a TDK C90 mix of Stone Roses, Charlatans andKula Shaker playing on the stereo I ragged the Sprint to Minehead to view a 1977 2500TC that hadbeen off the road for 10 years, I remember the trip well as not only did I endup buying the car (UGP 840R aka âthe big red busâ) but remember the roads beinggreat ,the old car going well ,and just feeling good âthe world was my oysterso to speak - this was a non-sat nav trip just a dodgy old atlas and ascribbled sheet of A4 with names of towns to head for and road numbers for meto glance at whilst driving, I didnât get lost and even found the sellershouse first time from his directions given over the phone, on the way back Ihad a great 50 mile tussle with a GolfGTi who couldnât get shot of the shit bucket âold Triumphâ whicheventually went past him on the inside of one of the big roundabouts on theA303 â¦
Fast forward 15 yearsand I find myself traveling from Taunton to Watchet to pick up a Rover P6 panel this time in an âoldâ Audi A3that hadnât even been built when I made that trip to view the 2000 ,Sat nav onpassenger seat and 4 year old Son in the back- I find myself rememberingdriving that section of road in the Sprint all those years ago, the music wasthe same but being played via my âshite uselessâ phone, the sun came out, theroads cleared a bit âthe only thing spoiling the trip was the shite awful handlingof a 100,000 mile front wheel drive Audi with mud and snow tires on it ! but Ifound myself caught up in the moment thinking what a lucky boy Iâve been overthe last 15 years, and all was well with the world ,its amazing how a sectionof road some music and a splash of sunshine can lift your mood.
We were a bit early for the vendor so stopped at the ciderfarm in the village which had tea shop, swings, slides and live chickens andpigs to chase this kept the 4 year (and me) more than happy for 15 mins or so.
The sat nav was turned off for the trip back and we tootledalong me teaching the 4 year old the lyrics to âI am the resurrectionâ (StoneRoses)
Ah happy daysâ¦.
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 25th September 2013 3:17pm gmt
What a bunch of arse...
I ve been tested this week chasing up getting the Scimitar back from France
Spent all week chasing my tail its goes something like this
The "European rescue cover" that I have worked fine getting me back to the UK- but that wasnt really rocket science, the bit I really wanted them to do was get the car back to the UK ....the saga goes like this So because there had been a fire the rescue service provided by my insurance company (the one that rhymes with the stuff you use when soldering) needed to send an engineer to provide a report to send to the underwriter for the breakdown rescue service-they sound like the union you join when you are an actor- they siad this report would happen within 24 to 48 hrs -which it did but they didnt forward it on to anyone for another 3 days and even then they admitted it was in a format they couldn't un-zip!- I only find this out after phoning them everyday asking whats going on-but I did find out who they eventually sent it to at the underwriters -I phone the underwriters to make sure they can open the report - only to find that the person they had emailed is on long term leave and the people back filling work part time and "are not in today"
So I give my details to the underwiter -and credit to them they emailed me the report - but also added its nothing to do with them as the records they have for me are for my old car-and even if it was anything to them they wouldn't repatriate the car as a fire is classed as an accident I need to go back and speak to my broker and an car insurer
Phone my broker-the one you use when soldering or providing insulation for capacitors- "oh that should have been updated and passed on" please hold the line - 20 mins later a voice at the end of the phone -"hello sir have you broken down what is your location"
"In France last fucking week " I reply rather tersely
So no further on ........roll on Monday when the claims department of the company the car is insured with opens(the same department that should have been sent the report and dealing with the whole affair...twats) -their company name sounds like the expression used to describe things that go one for ever and ever and ever and ever
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 13th September 2013 3:36pm gmt
Well that didnt got to plan....
All is not well in the Shed find out why on the "car" blog........and Ive got Bastard Ballet tomorrow....
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 09th September 2013 11:36am gmt
Calling all grumpy bastards ...I need a theroy?
WHEN IS GRUMPY GOOD?-CALLING ALL GRUMPYBASTARDS
Following some feedback from my last postings of rubbish on âbloodyface bookâ and my âview from the edge blogâ itâs been pointed out I am a Grumpyold man âgood.
I like being grumpy, here is my theoryâ¦.
Have the red hot curry, enjoy it, and enjoy being grumpy inthe morning when your ring piece looks like a Japanese flag and stings likedeep heat rubbed in an open wound.
Itâs like shouting at the telly- some smart arse will alwayspoint out there is an âoff buttonâ or âdonât watch it if you donât like itâ-Ilike watching it. It makes me grumpy when I shout at the silly twats that thatexpose their âreal livesâ- slack jawed bum fluffed afternoon TV watchers,whinging about now they are charged for renting the spare room in their benefitpaid London penthouse to Romanian hookers, and now they can only afford to feedthe 4X4 kids (i.e. 4 kids 4 different fathers) Findus low grade crispyhorsemeat pancakes (compared to Iceland pizzas)
So back to the point âsort of! When is grumpy good?
It was pointed out to me wouldnât it be easier to take a50mpg Golf on our forthcoming âEuro-shed tourâ? Well that would be like havingthe mild curry or reaching for the off buttonâ¦whatâs the bloody point?
So hopefully this time next week Team Shed will be at thetop of Stelvio pass in a 37 year old car â one that has spent the last 18 yearsslowly decaying in a shed, one that has taken a lot of Grumpiness to get almostready, Iâve placed my order for the chefs special Madras and have no intentionof backing out now.
So the âSpanish bombsâ holiday is drawing to a close, I amgoing to miss the âsiestaâ time, sangria and red wine fueled card schools â all though the cards in theevening did worry me asâ Uncle Bazzaâ pointed out its only one step away from a caravanning holiday.
The 8 year old has honed his breast stroke in the hoursspent in the pool and developed a very competitive streak playing the âgrownupsâat âGin Rummyâ which the six year old pronounces as âGin Mummy?â
Iâve collected all the stick on tattoos given free in the localcrisps packets and plastered them randomlyover my chest, arms and back trying to spell out the names of members of girlbands and birthdays in incorrect roman numerals so I blend in with the crowd permanentlylocated at the pool side bar.
Iâve survived two weeks without a shed, enjoyed it and believeit or not am looking forward to getting back to bashing the house and finishingthe first floor âwith the exception of sodingbastardskirting boards
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 30th August 2013 07:26am gmt
Spanish Bombs-not sure ifthe Clash meant this sort of bomb
"You cantake the boy out of boonie land but not the boonie out of the boy"
So here I am stuck in Spain completely outnumbered byFemales and small children, not a shed in sight and trying to learn how toârelaxâ
The cultural centre of the villa complex is the âcave barâan underground establishment which appears to be full of the Eastenders castappropriately coloured and wrinkled after 15 years on a sun lounger, but itâs agood place to catch up with the cricket score.
Days have slipped into a lazy routine oflate breakfast, pool, lunch, afternoonsnoozing, late afternoon pre dinner swims then the adults trying to resist 20Marlboro Red , 3 bottles of Rioca before bed and doing it all over again thenext day.
We are a week in and reinforcements have arrived in the formof âUncle Bazzaâ this has made an immediate impact on my âMr Shark dutiesâchasing our kids in the pool but increased the load placed upon my liver.
In the background Iâve been worrying about how much there isto do on my return to ready the ScimitarGTE for itsfund raising drive acrossEurope âthe plan beinga 2,000 mile 4day round trip with an overnight halt in Nice (post Med dip)
-Iâve only owned the car since May, it was discoveredlocally in a shed untouched, unmoved and a bit unloved for the last 18 years. Itâstaken a lot of commitment cost and late nights in the shed to get it throughits MOT which it passed with a day to spare before we left for our excursion fromâBoonie Shedlandâ to âSpainlandâ as the 6 year old calls it
Of course with any old car put back into service after sucha long layup it takes a while to iron out running faults these will have to bedone en-route - as I did last time in 2011 with a Triumph Spitfire that I rescued from a 13 year lay up in a shed prior to taking it on Club Triumphs 10countries Run âso Iâm getting quite good at second guessing what might fail afew hundred miles in and have replaced or refurbished as many of those criticalparts time and resource have allowed - some before and after shots below
In fact its history repeating itself all the way back to2003-back then a group of Triumph owners (about 15 cars and crew) met in NorthLondon and drove none stop to Nice âlooping back through as many countries andtwisty bits as possible to âpick upâ 10 countries â the early conversations andideas focused mainly on covering 2,000 European miles in a weekend, the tencountries idea developed on the back of that ,back then I owned my 2500 TC- abit tweaked and running triple Weberâs it developed a âknockâ 10 days or sobefore our planned start date for the first â10 CR Proving Runâ
Engine was strippedand re-built â new crank pistons etc â anyway it was all a bit touching cloth,the 2003 run was made interesting from the off as I had to drive a 600 mileround trip to pick up âHomerâ (Ben my lifelong mate and co-driver in suchevents) before getting to the pre-planned start with only half an hour tospare, that half hour was spent swapping spark plugs -no3 bore had taken aliking to fouling its spark plug âit would end up being swapped 12 times in thenext 2,000 miles! The water pump also had to be replaced in the Nice hotel carpark which looked like a service area from the Monte Carlo rallies of old oncewe turned up, great fun and great memories it went on to become a successfulevent run every two years under the Club Triumph banner
I was intending to take part in this yearâs 2013 event andfor old timesâ sake even tried to purchase the now very sorry 2500tc I did the2003 event in and restore it ,that deal fell through for reasons I still donâtreally understand .
It was always my intention to overnight in Nice on the 2013event âunfortunately the organisation wouldnât allow for this or even my offernot to take part in the âofficial eventâ and help out as a travellingmarshal/spares-car/spanner man ,but as thereâsonly so many times you can take being ignored and after discussion with Homerwe withdrew our entry anddecided tohead to Nice for aâ Pintâ (hence âNice Pint 2013â) in my old Rover P6 which hadbeen repatriated to boonie land after 15 years âup northâ hiding from my wifein a mates garage-then the Scimitar GTE turned up! âit made sense to ready thisone as no time consuming welding was needed.
Thereâs no going back now, hotels and ferries booked,Triumph parts pinched off the other car and sold to raise funds for the trip âthe GTE has a 20 gallon tank and does 20 mpg!
Itâs now our plan to do a similar European drive every two years(and encourage others from all walks of shed life to join in) raising funds forCancer Research - we have both lost close family and friends to the disease andthought it would give all those long nights in the shed some purpose -apartfrom the obvious that we are all grumpy middle aged petrol heads.
What I would love is to be writing this blog in ten yearstime on the eve on another trip where twenty, thirty forty (or as many aspossible grumpy shed dwellersthat havedared break cover from the mundane grind of Bastard Ballet Runs, Cubs, schoolpickups, play dates ,damp camping trips and other broken dreams) grouped together over the previous months viathe new fangled interwebby âantisocial media sitesâ -rescued some sort of interestingautomotive âlost causeâ or forgotten impractical gem âsomethingthat doesnât have multiple gadgets bolted onto a hateful little whizzbox that couldnât pull the skin off a sloppySpanish omelette-in my mind at the moment is the rubbish Peugeot 208hire car sitting outside the villa, it does its bit for the environment byputting people off driving anywhere âI feel sorry for âyoungâ people who havethis as their first taste of automotive freedom âanyway back to the dewy eyedâshed brethrenâ preparing their offeringsfrom some long lost manufacturer, filling itstanks with the soon to be outlawed âPetrolâ the air tinged withbody odour EP80/90 and illegally homeproduced alcohol basedoctane booster,driving into the night to board ferries on route to a pre-ordained rendezvouspoint- chosen for the size of car park and its closenessâ to a burger vanrather than the âsimply delightful vistas and wonderful local produce, ohI do hope the area isnât overdeveloped blahblah â or some other suitably up its own arse âwest Londonâ speak
âbollocks to that Isay, letâs hope the EU funding stays so they can afford to build a stonking 40hairpin climb up that lovely vista and put a burger van at the top with a fullyserviced pit lane.
I can but dream, but in a couple of weeks time I will be onthat dream thatâs taken two years to come round, on my return after 4 briefdays of âfreedom utopiaâ I shall slip back into the mundane grown up world,sneaking off into the shed to polish rust and plot some more freedom, feelingvery lucky to be alive.
TEAM SHED 2003......
I have a Virgin giving page set up ,and plan to sellâShedtuneâ T-Shirts on a small scale all year roundthe profits going to Cancer Research âget intouch if you fancy one or a bespoke design , etc
So now itâs off to the âCave Barâ to take advantage of thefree Wi-Fi to upload this blog â I may even have a few âSpanish bombsâ to easethe worry of what might or might not break on the GTE or what bits and widgetsI have forgotten to pack â I will send an email to homer telling him to ordersome bits to make me feel better
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 24th August 2013 12:09am gmt
Reasons to be grumpy part 1
Itâs been a while since the last update but fear not theâviewâ from the edge is much the same,(grumpy) so whatâs been going on?
I see it looks likethe Pandas might have actually got round to copulating rather than watching Jeremy Kyle - there was a royal birth -the potential baby Pandahaving one up on the royal as he wont have to start calling his âUncleâ âDaddyâ following revelations in the tabloidsin years to come
England retained the ashes thanks to some shite weather inManchester and a Scotsman won Wimbledon (in the sunshine)
The house still needs bashing and the shed is still full ofthe non-working faded remnants of the 60s+70s British car industry.
Children are on school holidays - itâs been a juggle of playschemes Daddy Duties and grown up work- but at least no Bastard Ballet
3 year old is now a 4 year old and has his own bedroomcompete with âsoddingskirtinbastardâ boards and we are easing slowly towardshaving a working family bathroom for the first time this year along with anen-suite in our room â all though I have voluntary banned myself from using itsshiny new facilities as it will only be a matter of time before a statutory banis placed upon me and I will be sharing the Spiderman tooth brush with the 4year and the other smelly little toadsâ back in the âfamilyâ bathroom.
Now back to grumpiness âI enjoy being grumpy it makes mehappy, I enjoy being cynical, sarcastic, complaining about âhaving to go outâ having to endureâother peopleâ going anywhere busy , or even having to speak to people- muchpreferring to spend hours on my owncleaning old bits of rust.. and recently there have been some long long grumpy nights spent in the shed-they normallystart around 10pm and last till 2am as I try and get the 1976 Reliant Scimitar GTE(SE6a)- which hasnât been onthe road for the last 18 years ready fora Mot and 2,000mile trip round Europe. Why? Wellâ¦
My brother in law shared similar views on grumpiness unfortunately his chances to be happy bybeing grumpy were cut short last November at the age of 39 due to a cancerousbrain tumour â where we differed was he was a far more talented engineer ,designer and shed dweller than I - defiantly morestubborn- refusing to give up on ideas and not deterred by the lack ofresource- see âdining room table and mothers leaky damp garageâ he managed tosuccessfully produce his design for a new type of fitting -I am sure would have seen that andother ideas into production if it wasnât for his untimely death-the future forhis design is still unknown- but his legacy to me- apart from being a top mate,family member and uncle to my kids- isone of a truly talented grumpy âshed dwellerâ whose memory should be used toinspire all shed projects and adventures âhence why I am refusing to give up on what some have called the âplastic pigâ (1976 Reliant Scimitar GTE) Iknow itâs a marmite car, but I love marmite and love this car â Iremember at the age of 8 or so studying a cut away picture of it in a Osborneâhow it worksâ type of book and thinking what a cool car it was â I will beraising funds for cancer research- - by driving the GTEnon stop from Boonie land to Nice via Col de la Bonette- jumping into the med for a dip before anovernight halt â which will more than likely be spent in the hotel car parkbolting bits back on the car with helpfrom âHomerâ (my life long best mate andco-driver on these type of events) before we set off back to Boonie land via StelvioPass.
We are setting off the 6th Sept â all well andgood if the car passes its Mot on Tuesday this would give me a couple of weeksroad testing etc âhmmm due to family commitments I wont be able to do anytesting until the 2nd September â¦this is a car that hasnât turned awheel under its own power for 18 years -those few days after the 2ndmight well be busy â¦.but I refuse to give in and I will be grumpy about it.
Anyway I canât back out now the T shirts are in
-speakingof which please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org you would like to buy a âShedtuneâ t-shirt you could have a standard âIwould rather be in a shedâ type one, or I could do you a bespoke-- like thesethree and you get to keep the art work to put up in your shed- â¦let me know âall profits going to Cancer Research
My idea is every two years to do a similar event againstsimilar odds raising funds in memory of my brother in law...
The Rover P6 being in the frame to complete the ten highestpeaks in the Pyreneesâs in 2015â¦
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 10th August 2013 4:17pm gmt
FFS its 22.30 and Ive only just sat down - gym club navigated and sodding cubs -tree recognition exercises in the local woods,now ,coffee in hand Planet rock on the radio and tommorows dinner in the oven-a cheeky dish I call - "Fiarview House country Lamb casserole/hot pot stew that can be re-heated post bastard ballet and pre-"classmates birthday party" - a outside pool party starting at 7pm FFS -whats was wrong with a caterpillar cake and "pass the parcel wrapped in newspaper" straight after school style party? the dish could also be called "What the fuck shall I do with that half leg of lamb I defrosted and got to mashed on cheap cider to be bothered to cook"-cant really see that one lining up in Jamie's next "school dinners" especially as I put a whole bottle of chianti in it-anyway back to the sub plot...Alternatives - no I'm not going to whinge about the fucking useless wind turbine that sprouted up outside a local village which hasn't turned its prime mover but has lined the pockets of several equally useless "non -executive board members" who just happen to be on the planning committee-that's just reminded, me whilst watching "Revenge of the Sith" the 8 year old commented that "Anakin would have been OK if he hadn't listened to the dark side of the politician"
Anyway back to topic-
Shades of grey-"that book" a fellow Scimitar owner and forum "user" posted up some excerpts from an Alternative (got there eventually) version that needed mention on this blog-
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
Speaking of alternatives some of you may have noticed that Pilton music festival was on this weekend- ie "Glastonbury" - I noted the BBC were providing lots of coverage to make sure the corporation didn't have to pay out £25M to disgruntled sound techs who didn't get the chance to get on the free "jolly" of looking up Jo Whileys skirt for the weekend
I don't know how "alternative" Glastonbury can be called anymore with the crowd made up of middle aged accountants and bankers, a lock down exclusion zone of 10 miles set up and manned by private security staff around the site - I over heard I colleague at grown up work today describe that after a spot of bird watching (great crested marsh mouse eating hawk or something) he could hear the music about 5 miles away,knowing the area he decided on the way home to park up on a hill overlooking the site and soak in a bit of the atmosphere- this is a guy who watched the Stones at Knebworth in 76- a famous concert in which many thought they were up staged by lynyrd skynyrd anyway he wasn't allowed along the road he wanted-his path blocked by "security" this was about 5 miles away from the entrance- I guess people want their £250 a ticket investment protected- but not really in the spirit of "Festival" though is it? We decided to get into the "spirit "- here are some of my posts over the weekend- for some reason they were not relayed to the BBC dedicated streaming website ...
"Not wiling to fork out £250 per person for tickets for Pilton festival we created that "Glastonbury" feeling down the road at our house - so the kids get a realistic experience we set up a tee pee in the living room,and will be watching/listening to events via 6 music,Ive left a massive floater from this morning in the downstairs toilet and have taken to pissing in the garden in full view of the neighbors, in the kitchen we have organic microwave curry reasonably priced at £9.50 per portion -well you cant put a price on the planet can you?- wine is £14 per bottle and £5 a pint of cider - the kids are complaining about the prices but I explained the nearest supermarket is a 9 mile walk ..
We are keeping it real here at "Little Festival" -this morning I made the children Que up outside the downstairs toilet for 2 hrs whilst I floated a curry and cider biscuit ,Charlotte flashed her breasts to gain access to the "posh toilets" in the "Glamping" section,we will be sending the children out later to beg for gin money so we can get mashed in silence watching mandolin mashers "Mumford and son"
"Just to stay in the spirit of things today on "Come down Monday"- after work I picked up the kids from school filled the car with dirty camping gear then proceeded to drive round like a "twat" looking for clearly signposted directions to the M5 - then ignored them and carried out random 5 point turns in my pretend 22ft converted 70s postal "camper van" blocking the A38 and A39 almost simultaneously" Here are some more ammusing alternative comments on the proceedings http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/06/29/twitter-reacts-to-glastonbury/
On the house bashing front I managed to break away from watching 69 year old men dressed in "sensible" shoes purchased from the back of the daily mail and wearing clothes thrown at them in a 1996 Oxfam shop and tried to get the 3 year olds room finished -please can I have a bit of my life back again ... ....oh I fucking hate skirtigsoddingbastard boards
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 01st July 2013 4:36pm gmt
bastard bollocks etc
Its been a while since my last post of any substance,-not that any of my rantings really have any substance âmy excuse is I have been busy with the following-Going to grown up work,House bashing,Daddy duty and desperately trying to get some Shed therapy (see the other blog shedtune cars for movements in the shed)
Some progress has been made on the house âwe may have an operating Bathroom in the main house by Christmas 2020,-that's after Ive sold my last working kidney to pay a fucking plumber to make a decent job of it- and the 3 year old may be able to move into his bedroom in time for his 18th birthday-just in time to move out with any luck
Ive been enjoying âgrownâ up work its allowed me to mingle with grown ups that share my grumpy outlook on the modern âeverything is shiteâ world ,although I'm still shouting at the telly and swearing at stupid twats on the radio
Daddy duty has been following the same old routines-
Bastard ballet and Sodding Cubs providing the biggest logistical nightmares âI have to admit Ballet has become easier thanks to teaming up with another parent running the âPink Tutu gauntletâ
A particularly high maintenancemorning /school run in which all three little angels where being bloody high maintenance -3 year old became freaked by a spider in the downstairs toilet (I often get freaked by that downstairs toilet and if it wasnât for the Classic car publications in there I wouldnât use it either) so he decided to pee in my wellie boot in the adjacent utility room- 8 year old ate his breakfast in silence then went back to bed without me knowing - I was busy emptying piss filled boots and mopping floors,all whilst trying to prepare 3 off packed lunches that didnât consist of just a packet of jammy dodgers each. Hence we were running late as I pulled out the drive andthe 5 year old announced she had forgot to put a vest onâ¦
Rather than sell the kids on eBay I offered to place my self up for auction-
âUsed Father of three, reasonable working order, could do with some maintenance, comes with own shed and hand toolsâ
I was heartened to hear replies from the behind me of âwe would buy youâ
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 27th June 2013 05:52am gmt
How true .....
"But also accept that others are complete numpties and have never achieved a degree in/of common sense, they still get paid though" Anon 2013
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 24th June 2013 02:43am gmt
FFS,,more ranting, Wayne Roney MP ? from the mouths of babes
In my head this morning - this was going to happen today-
Take kids to school/nursery Go to grown up world do some good work Pick up kids -survive the Bastard Ballet/Tesco's donuts run Cook dinner,wash children, clean up get them to bed early Evening- do useful things in peace -IE post pictures of sheds and Billie Piper on www.shedtune.co.uk,write up car progress blog,file house renovation pictures,back up lap top, tidy picture files on hard drive-all that sort of stuff you know you should do but never do - our picture files in the hard drive span years and resemble a "virtual bowl of shame"-every house has one- a fruit bowl on a sideboard somewhere containing flat AA batteries,snapped terminal screwdrivers,keys that don't fit anything that's been in your possession for the last 10 years and always parts of broken "free" plastic toys that came with children's "comics" (why is it when you put the sodding pretend plastic spider man watch ,with snapped strap and integral choking hazard into the bin you can guarantee the next visitor to the bin will be the child owner of aforementioned dross ,they spot the detritus you thought was safely off loaded to landfill and set about emptying the bin an emotional wreck trying to rescue the bloody thing ) So how did things pan out in real time rather than in my head?
Grown up world went OK apart from I got side tracked by fucking Samsung world again - I wanted to top up my Tesco's pay as you go - I use the phone so rarely that thankfully I don't do this much- anyway I couldn't remember how to do it on line -ah I though use the phone ..dial the free number speak to a person, one snag,its a useless crap phone with a touch screen- to top up you have to press "number 2" once through to the automated service- it took me two attempt's to work out how to access the "keypad" whilst on call, once pressed the phone shit itself thinking I was trying to make another call and displayed "INVALID APP" meanwhile the calming automated voice kept saying "we haven't detected a selection thus will end the call please phone blah blah if you are having difficulties " oh FFS It was made worse by the fact that my sausage fingers had somehow put it on loudspeaker- not good in an open plan office ..a sharp strike to the desk ejecting the battery when the bastard wouldn't turn off did the trick I eventually topped it up online after a Google search revealed that the place to top it up is not in fact https://www.mytescomobile.com/ but https://topup.tescomobile.com/ConsWeb/LandingStrip/TMLogin.aspx Jesus Christ why make things so difficult ? why cant web sites, and phones for that matter have a "Luddite" button In comparison the childcare that followed was a doddle apart from one small glitch- on the way to donut isle the 3 year old spotted "magazines" displaying all his favorite plastic choking hazards at £4 a shot -no bloody chance I thought, you lay there and head bang the floor in rage whilst I go get the donuts
Needless to say Ive been wasting time writing this tosh rather than doing the "bowl of shame" jobs I should be doing
From the mouths of babes-
On a recent Saturday morning drive to take the 8 year old fencing -don't ask- the conversation was C02 emissions - he wants to build an air powered car- I explained that he would need power to compress the air to drive the car etc, anyway, unusually for me I mentioned that politicians are the biggest problem in the clean energy argument ,as they are only interested in being greedy rather than fixing things -that's why you should always think very carefully who you vote for and make a politician or prime minister etc ... he thought for a while and then said "It wouldn't be a good idea for Wayne Rooney to be a politician would it?"
On a lighter note this was spotted on the fridge door tonight
Well roll on Wednesday - no pack lunches to make in the morning, no after school activities- I may even get time not to address the "bowl of shame" items on the list
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 21st May 2013 4:16pm gmt
To busy to rant,ironic dissatisfaction test.
Its been far too long since my last post -this year I did intend to update the blog at least once a week or so, but like all good intentions Ive been to busy being grumpy to be arsed
-So busy in fact I haven't even had the opportunity to shout at the television, which happens a lot,I even shout at the hateful thing when its switched off,this happens when I urgently need to distract the 3 year old with "Mr tosser Tumble" to prevent him "helping Daddy" by falling through the bathroom floor/kitchen ceiling whilst I try to stop the bathroom floor falling into the kitchen of its own accord-you can guarantee I cant find the fucking remote control,when I do find it the batteries have been removed (as like all remotes the battery compartment lid is missing, this is a ploy by the manufactures to allow 8 year old children easy access to the "AA" gems inside, apparently these can be used to power messy experiments in their bedrooms) or to really hack you off the batteries have been put back in with the polarities reversed- the 5 year old hasn't grasped the physics involved with electron flow (which actually goes negative to positive for our electrician friends) of course you haven't noticed this oversight on the "little angels" behalf and stand in front the telly, swearing, pressing buttons moving closer to the sodding screen- as that's going to make it work?- looking a right twat when you realise you have fallen for the old "back to front battery trick" ..again. Meanwhile the people you were trying to distract have marched off with fisher price tool set in hand ready to impale the nearest 240v socket they can find..its at this point I pledge to anyone who will listen that if they take the batteries out the remote again the "telly" will go on the bonfire, with this I put the remote out of reach- in a safe place as far away from the television and small people as possible- within seconds-normally when I am standing at the top of the stairs thinking "why have I come up here?" I have forgotten where that place is,thus the whole thing starts again .. When I have the misfortune of having the bastard thing switched on by someone more competent than me,the type of programs that makes me shout and leave the room are those sodding "real life" documentaries- I particularly dislike the one filmed in east London somewhere- all the subjects seemed to have married each other twice, shagged their sons wife,served time for several serious crimes,never done a days work and are always pissed up in the local- Christ you couldn't write it, there is an even a Northern version were the pub burns down alternate weeks to the local underpants factory.
So with my normal spleen venting avenue denied by not even having time to sit down I have taken to shouting at emails from slack jawed employees of the company providing me my website package, I wont mention the company name but let me assure you the fuckwits in the billing department couldn't add up 1+1,they couldn't grasp I didn't want the full on "internet shopping basket filling escrow high security intiwebby experience site" shite, I just wanted the basic 99p a month deal to let me write about quirky rusty old British cars, post pictures up of wooden sheds, greasy gearboxes,and Billie Piper draped around Daleks so they decided to bill me for a £30 a month package anyway-setting up two accounts?! Then sending me arsey emails demanding payment - here is a copy of my last reply to them (this is after an agonizingly long explanation via several departments that I only wanted the basic windows package,and that was in fact the one I was using which was paid for etc etc ...you get the picture -honestly you would rather eat light bulbs than listen to the whole saga-
Dear Mr Billing department
Have you gone completely bonkers? yet again another reminder came from you today in the post let me write this in big letters so you understand or would you prefer something posted and written in crayola?
IT HAS BEEN PAID ! see below and DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Their reply "Our records indicate the balance was paid as of 2013-04-02 07:20:19. If the date of the notice sent to you by post is before that date I apologise for any inconvenience. Letters are automatically sent out and it would then have been just prior to the balance being paid and took until now to be delivered to your door."
"I thought you were not going to bother me again?"
On .09.05.2013 you, or one of your colleagues, contacted our billing department. We are constantly striving to improve our service performance and your opinion is greatly appreciated. You can help us by evaluating our service at: (This is where the cheeky sods posted a link to a customer satisfaction survey) This will only take a minute or two of your time.
Many thanks for sending me your feed back survey, unfortunately I don't want to give you a minute or two of "my time" I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving me a few minutes of "your time?" As I have wasted all my time talking to the intellectual wasteland that appears to be your billing department. They seem to reside in a slightly different space time continuum to the rest of the human race they are trying to deal with? That aside I have compiled my own "survey" for you to complete this will allow me to measure how well I performed as a pissed off customer-please see below-
Did you find my response to your irritating survey....(please tick one)
I don't know what irony is?
I ignored it,it had long words.
To help me decide if I should keep contacting you so you have to send me more "customer satisfaction" surveys could you rate my annoyance to you on a scale of 1 to 10
1 being mild
10 being as annoying as piles on a long distance train journey across the Indian sub-continent
Well that's if for today, its a full on week of Daddy duty,I survived after school Gym today followed by sodding Cubs- just got the ordeal of bastard Ballet to get through tomorrow so need to get some sleep, I didn't even get round to commenting on UKIP going for a pint in Scotland ...may be tomorrow if I can be arsed thinking of a story that starts something like this ... "what did the fascist say to the other fascist whilst having a pint in his pub?" "Do you serve nationalists in here?"
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 20th May 2013 4:51pm gmt
Scotch Mist,Trade demarcations explained,soapy coffee car wash
Dont poke a bees nest..or a a Highland correspondent who spends too much time alone walking up hills, being grumpy and thinking too much- after his shocking Panda revelations it seems he has got a bee in his bonnet about something else - I really need to have a word with his responsible adult,this was his latest offering-
Scotlands New Currency
"I see there's a new point of contention on Scottish independence: Scotland says it can stay with the pound, but wants to keep printing it's own (which obviously doesn't have the words 'Bank of England' clearly printed on notes) which are currently printed by the three main Scottish Banks. I say 'Scottish' banks, while acknowledging that the Clydesdale Bank is owned by Australians, Bank of Scotland is English owned, and Royal Bank of Scotland is the laughing stock of the western world, and appears to be principally owned by taxpayers living south of the border.
Personally, I believe we need to think more pragmatically. How about we introduce multiple forms of currency: most obviously, benefits cheques - they form the very backbone of our financial system here in the skiving north, and so the great majority of people would just continue as normal. Food stamps would be the second string of the new financial system, and the third leg (didn't good old Rolf, my childhood hero, invent this??) would be Stella Artois ring pulls and extra strong White Lightning cider bottle tops. Simples. And as we all know, simples suits Alex the Salmon and his bunch of fish farm rejects.
Thinking ahead, we can also cut the extortionate costs of setting up the Brave New Nation by having the DSS double up as the central bank. Hey, this could go so much further. What about selling episodes of the comic-tragedy 'Holyrood: the Debate' to the Comedy Channel? I really, really, really hope you've not managed to catch any of this redneck soap south of the border; it looks like a playground full of very angry, yet terminally bored, primary school children, arguing over who's marble it is, why its not round, who gets to hold it, and why its got mysterious (and smelly) brown stains on it. Oh, and there's a big crack through it, which only gets bigger, and bigger. So hey, who's going to reallocate money from the nationwide methadone project to fix it????
Now, back to my pet topic. How extraordinary that Scotland managed, among all the Giant Pandas out there, to find the pair that so perfectly reflected the Scottish work ethic! 36 hours of work per year! I know there are parts of the West Coast where that would be considered an inhumane level of effort, but give Highlanders their due - I'm pretty sure they could handle this. So, our great leader, Salmo Salmo I think is the right way of addressing his mighty drabness, thinks that, after his recent proclamations on how the main men of Europe would bend over backwards to welcome Scotland into the fold of the oh-so-successful Euro currency, he can deftly shift his foreplay onto the Bank of England. I wonder if, down your way where people wear clothes and can afford to eat, there's a sense of a despotic nutter trying to cash in (literally) on someone else's efforts? But never forget, I said NEVER FORGET, that the North Sea oil is ours. OURS, OURS, OURS.
Did you hear me?
So please. please, can you help us?We are nice people, and we don't understand all those foreign-bus-tour types who look Oriental and don't speak English, sorry, Gaelic, but love to visit our (oh hell, so, yes, they are not ours, they belong to Diageo, Pernod Ricard, and a whole other bunch of Johnny Foreigners) distilleries.
I sense that I've come full circle, and am in danger of stamping the document that confirms that I've lost the plot.
I wish you well, all you lucky muckers, you scheming Southern bastards who are stealing my money, who are taking my proud nation (see Australian actor shouting at and encouraging his band of 3 flea-infested sheep-rustling followers to take up small claims court actions against the mother of all imperial empire builders) to the landfill.
Even I, father of the calm, home of peace, lair of the decent and honest but downtrodden, think I am losing the aforementioned marbles.
I hasten me to the shed to sharpen my Claymore (yes, check that out; it didn't work for us at Culloden) and to daub myself with Tesco blue fabric coloring.
Man in Skirt
Giant Panda in skirt awaiting blue dye and foreplay from "Salmon" fish to allow entry into her system
So that's foreign politics dealt with for another week lets move on to Trade Demarcations the link below is for all the "Professional" job agencies that don't seem to know what an Instrumentation Tech is and all the twats -normally call center staff once employed under Mr Blair's "lets get everyone a pretend job to make me look good policy" trouble is these people have now had asperations above cleaning out the Panda enclosures at the local Zoo and "moved up a notch" now manning the policy amendments phone line where I inevitably have the misfortune to insure my car, they just cant help themselves querying the profession "oh you work in the music industry...not sure if we cover people in entertainment"
Whats all this got to do with soapy coffee? well it was more than likely a failed spanner monkey that installed the rubber seal on the Land Rovers sun roof- his workmanship was put to test whilst I was wasting time in the car wash trying to get the 3 year old and 5 year old asleep on route to picking up the 8 year old from sodding cubs- soapy car wash water was forcefully blown into my forecourt coffee sitting in the cup holder -who the fuck builds a British car with a sun roof above the cup holder? as sure as your arse points downwards you know it will leak and contaminate your dashboard mounted beverage,for some reason whilst recovering from my unplanned ablutions I wondered how many engineers are in the Government cabinet or even the shadow cabinet - a very quick Google search -something dim witted call center staff don't seem able to do- revealed nothing useful so I looked further into cabinet members qualifications -not a good thing to do
I would suggest they could all be replaced by a cactus
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 29th April 2013 4:01pm gmt
Milking Pandas, Ms Piggy,Tree Hugging Bench ...
Its been awhile since the last communication from the Highland correspondent,I must admit I was starting to get a bit worried that he might have been rounded up and molested by angry fish faced sheep since his last political musings , but as luck would have it he is at large and sent the following to Shed HQ-
"How on earth do you milk a Panda bear for the "juice" for artificial insemination..?I was rather more interested in warming up the "Babe" panda,I would have thought they needed a bit of foreplay,and sent my offer with a recent photo to Edinburgh Zoo,and now after eight hours with the Police I can get on with my life.
Who would have thought?Up here in the Highlands bestiality is encouraged-they say it keeps the locals sane (and reduces the burden on the NHS)"
He has obviously been allowed access to some form of media coverage recently as the above was quickly proceeded by the following-
"Stroke of genius -we've got Miss Piggy to represent UK in the Eurovision"
Back to the Pandas the lady "Babe" bear is only on heat for around 36 hrs or so a year, and even then not too fussed about getting an early night, I reckon we should explain to the work shy Panda couple our benefits system in the UK-then they would be at it like rats up a drain pipe- pointing out the more cubs they have, the more cash they have,cash to waste on Sky subscriptions, tattoos and KFC,they could spend the day watching Jeremy Kyle as much they want on expensive Ipads whilst doing fuck all else useful in accommodation the public has paid for ...bit like fish faced sheep really.
Well thats current affairs dealt with so back to reality.Three kids and the "Bastard Ballet" run which has become a bit less of a bastard due to a very kind parent of a fellow tutu student (a non range rover "Jordan" type) agreeing to return "pink princess" after the stampeding session,the payoff is I transport her offspring to the class where she meets us,last week was the first run of this new arrangement,unfortunately I had become preoccupied with crumbling internal walls and left the house for "school pick up" in a bit of a rush leaving the lurid pink change bag containing the "pink mafias uniform for my said princess -"Buggery Bollocks" I though waiting outside the school-I wanted to demonstrate to the Mother who had left me the charge of her children I wasn't a complete fuckwit so took it upon myself to load up the old TD5 with 5 kids (only 3 of them mine) nail it back home pick up the sodding Tutu,then nail it back to the "Dance School" before I was reported for Child abduction - needless to say spirits were high in the car-especially from the boys asking for more air as the peat bog undulating single track roads provided the entertainment -the three year old shouting faster whilst bracing himself between booster seat and door then trying to use his sisters ponytailed hair as a grab handle.
We made the lesson just about on time,the "Range rover evoque" brigade cast a few disapproving looks as grubby "builder looking type" waded in with five hyper kids then promptly did a runner leaving three of them behind - the three year old could be seen punching the air making his way across the car park shouting "Donuts"
Soon after moving into the faded georgian grandeur of our house with romantic ideas of a restored family home within a "couple of years" a tree hugger from the council pointed out that the 130 year old "monkey puzzle" tree in the front garden had a T.P.O on it -but as the normally evergreen tree had now turned a permanent rusty brown it was deemed dangerous if left to fall on its own accord and thus had to be chopped down -we duly complied not wanting the thing through the house
I had some of the felled timber planked up "It might be useful" I thought and then used it as a bloody heavy obstruction under a temporary "seasoning shed" in the drive for the next three years -well today I got to use some of it
After successfully overheating my £40 rip saw several times the shed had a new work bench , Douglas pine legs -left over from roof strengthening works,and "monkey puzzle" (see chilean pine or parana pine) 45mm thick work top
Time to sign off - Ballet run tomorrow, Tutu change bag already loaded in the car..
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 22nd April 2013 4:13pm gmt
Getting up early ,back to "normal" ...bollocks
I needed to get up early...
Mainly to have time to wash and get pack lunches and small people ready for school, and my self ready for intergration with grown up people-hence the wash- so after setting two alarms on the Samsung "six day phone" -see previous comments on my theory regarding Samsung's perception of time -one of them managed to wake me in time for "back to work" routine -well back to" going to a place of work" where other grown ups go - I was quite looking forward to seeing if I could in fact interact with grown ups rather than constantly discussing why cows don't fly with my 3 year old Son - I have to explain it is in fact bird poo on the car windscreen- not cow poo from overhead-he isn't convinced, claiming that it smells of cow poo,even after I point out that the whole area smells of cow poo due to the fact we live in boonie land, where farmers tow big trailers of poo (normally using his favorite red tractors) spraying it over great swathes of land as the weather has been so "cow poo" that the poor cows haven't been allowed outside for a year or so for fear of drowning, or if lucky freezing to death,the standard response to my answers is "why Daddy?" and so it goes on.. hence why I was looking forward to non "why Daddy" conversation this week. Unfortunately I will have to wait as the work I am wanted for is on a temporary contract basis in the public sector as you know the Government has wisely diverted resources to cover bankers bonuses rather than mending stuff that could save money- so hence it needs to be tick boxed at several inappropriate high levels across the organization before I can start -I had a sneaky suspicion this may happen and phoned ahead to see if the OK had been given to start, the conversation with my potential team leader made me laugh- "Sorry mate it looks like starting next week, David is just off to see Angela Merkel to ask if he can sign the authorization"
Not to worry Ive got plenty to be doing here, so after pouring fresh coffee over myself when the handle fell off the sodding cafeteria
I ended up helping Dave and Ade being a third pair of hands balancing on a scaffold plank (I was allocated the plank after being told I was the youngest!) fixing full size sheets of plaster board to form the stairwell ceiling -you never know tomorrow we might loose the open plan first floor and have a bathroom wall again I also took the opportunity as it wasn't pissing down or blowing a -5 wind from the east to wash and clean out the Spitfire and take some decent pictures of it in an attempt to sell it without pimping it on eBay,something which means enduring 100 watchers, 50 unanswered (silly) questions,5 tire kickers, and 2 no shows that eBay attracts, and then when it does sell pay the dreaded listing fees,so Ive punted it in the free adds of the weekly classic car press and put it in the for "sale in the shed" section of www.shedtune.co.uk
As ever it fired up first time, the sun came out as I put the roof down -it was so tempting to go for a blast but I knew if I did the ads would be deleted and I would be devising ways of keeping it whilst doing without a new bath, or ways of selling a kidney/child- to fund the other projects in the shed in need of my help.
This or a Kidney
Well time to set the alarm(s) - at least I don't have to get up as early- just pack lunches to make rather than wash- and to think I had ear,nose,and head hair cut in preparation for work..I hope dear old Angela can see me right before it grows back.
"Biggest nose hair Ive seen in years"
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 15th April 2013 4:19pm gmt
Old dog new tricks...? why bother the old ones still work.
In between Easter holiday Daddy duties- which has included many motorway miles in old faithful (13 year old Discovery TD5) which now resembles a mobile skip full of Mc Donalds "kids meals toys" empty opal fruit -sorry "starburst" wrappers,and the annoying red wax- stripped from dozens of babybel rolled up into small balls to be inserted into electrical switches, seat belt buckles and air vents- I managed to resurrect the Shedtunewebsite -all work in progress but the aim is to keep everything on the website in a messy "eclectic grumpy virtual shed way"
The kids are making the most of a rain free Cumbria and lots of generous hospitality from Aunties,Uncles Cousins,Grannies and Grandpas-(hence why Daddy has had time to clump his way round sorting out the website and trying to master windows sodding 8 on the new laptop-why change things for the sake of changing things-Christ XP worked fine ....)
Back at home bashing goes on without me -
Dave and Ade taking on the stuff I couldn't do with kids running around -as you can see this internal single skin wall which was never tied into ...anything was beyond rescue so the first floor section will come down to be replaced with studding wall -which at least will allow for some insulation to be added.
I'm off to clean out wax from the air vents in preparation for tomorrows return journey..
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 11th April 2013 09:44am gmt
View from the shed on fixing "stuff" and the supply of power...
All the best things are invented in sheds-I'm sure cider and cars were invented in sheds,anyway I think I have come up with a great money saving invention- its for a new "Reality TV X factor style show"
How does it work and how does it save us money?
Rather than have elections we have a X factor style show where dim witted inbred privileged "contestants" who crave 15 minutes of fame and being popular over doing anything useful, pit their wits against each other- the winner gets to form a "cabinet" of sycophantic similar dim wits, the money generated from the TV show pays for them all to have two central london flats and as many tudor style duck houses as they wish for until the next show The winners can take part in a "winners tour" across Europe joining up with other successful entrants from other countries -they can all have a big jolly, slap each other on the back feel important and popular- it keeps them busy,keeps them out of politics and thus fucking up the country for the rest of us,it also allows the people who wear white slip on trainers and waste their benefit wage voting on X factor contestants to feel "part of the system"- so win win all round In the meantime the section of hard working common sense population left that do have a clue how to team up and make things work can get on with sorting a few things out. It seems some others having been sitting in their sheds thinking along the same lines-admittedly they haven't managed to come up with a way quite as cunning as mine of distracting politicians, but they have decided to team up and argue on the behalf of common sense regarding energy policy- the "common sense" team have called themselves "Powerline" they are made of big businesses wanting to "start applying logic" to the power debate pushing for "dispassionate debate" -they will be launching a website,national advertising and social media campaign- so look out for it and keep your fingers crossed for common sense -in the meantime I need to sort out some judges for the TV show..
Just to cheer you up here are some pictures of wind farms-the parts of which were not made in this country,and don't ask how many German vans the non-uk based maintenance company bought after bribing the local politician into awarding them the maintenance contract -enjoy them you paid for them.. a lot.. the ones on land- you are paying twice the wholesale rate for the power they may or may not produce it depends if the turbines are spinning- the twelve I saw today were all stationary,strange as I had to wear a jacket due to the wind to keep warm,-maybe that was the problem it was too cold a wind rather than too strong a wind- fickle thing weather isn't it? anyway the ones in the nasty wet stuff that you need to buy scandinavian boats to get to,just to reset a breaker-their power costs you three times the wholesale rate.....common sense really
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 03rd April 2013 2:03pm gmt
Catching up with "Normal" stuff
The house bashing has apparently been progressing -I say apparently as I never seem to notice any change - I always seem to be inhaling dust swearing and cursing at another "fally down broken" or "butchered in the past" bit -but it was nice to rip out the old fire door on the landing (the house was used as boarding for the local prep school and has been badly "cut and shut" all over the place to provide space for boarders) - it was a great physiological boost preparing the stairwell walls for stripping and re-rendering (or a "hardwall coat") prior to final skim- this involved running in some new wiring to feed downstairs lighting-we started renovations at the top of the house and worked down so the fact that new stuff is encroaching on the ground floor has got to mean progress
Stairwell getting stripped
Bye bye fire door!
Bathroom activities impacting on the "Temporary" kitchen -its been temporary for the last 3 years!- activities include running in new internal soil pipe
crappy wiring now disconnected
How this place ever passed inspection...?
Landing opened out, walls ready for plasterer "magic" to be done..
Easter holidays mean full on Daddy duty which will put a hold on bashing for a while- plus I let another distraction creep into the shed!
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 01st April 2013 3:41pm gmt
Its been a bit of a hectic week -full on Daddy Duties including the dreaded visitation to the "dark side" well actually its the "pink tutu side" at the little angels dance school - I was slightly early picking up "dark side angel" -the normal routine is to take her into the building help her into her pink fatigues (whilst avoiding eye contact with all others- painfully aware you are the only person in the building wearing steel toe capped boots) then beat a hasty retreat to do the "Tescos donut" run with the two boys,then take in a drive through car wash on the way back to "tutu lair", unfortunately due to the cold weather the car wash was out of order and I found myself (after leaving the two boys in the car listening to Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti) -in the "parents waiting room" I managed to resist the temptation of leafing through the various publications on offer- such as "menopause weekly" and "tat chat" and started to daydream whilst listening to the little pink fairies charge around in attack formation-I was wondering what came first, cup holders in cars or coffee chains? it must have been the coffee chains- we would have no need for cup holders in our cars if it wasn't for the people selling it to us at every opportunity and thus making us drive around with it attached to our dashboards - none of my present classics have cup holders although a couple I have owned in the past - a Bentley and Rover P5 had fold down "picnic" tables in the rear- that doesn't really count as someone else would be driving as you tucked into your pickled eggs, scotch pies and various meat based savoury products - I guess its a reflection on our busy life schedules that we need cup holders in our modern cars- in the sixties and seventies we had time to pull over, crack open the tartan thermos and watch traffic from a roadside lay by sipping on lukewarm Maxwell House, thus didn't need the "dashboard mounted espresso, latte, frappe dispenser" or was it the fact that driving an older car takes far more concentration and two hands on the wheel to keep it on the road , maybe after 100 miles on dodgy kingpins and worn trunnions you needed the thermos hit to calm your nerves!
My sort of cup holder
Taking the piss..
...more musings later ....
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 31st March 2013 08:32am gmt
A big thank you ...TOTAL IS IN!
Round Britain Reliability Run Total is in...
Last weekend the total raised for the event was handed over to Children With Cancer at Club Triumphs annual awards Dinner
and the total was ..£65,248.95
A very big thank you to all that sponsored "Team Shed" we contributed just shy of £900 to the total -special mention needs to go to the following
J.H.P -the Yoda of all Sheds (I.E My Dad)
Charlotte and my long suffering kids!
The event is run every two years, the next being October 2014 it will be Team Sheds 9th run and the Cairo Taxi will be back for that one
Still with its 2010 stickers!
For more info on the charity and the event click here or here
It goes without saying Team Shed passes on a very a big "thank you" to Tim Bancroft and his organising team !
Roll on 2014
posted by Shed tunehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 26th March 2013 3:24pm gmt
Pointy food,fish faces and sheep....
Latest from the sheds...
Its good to hear from foreign corespondents once in a while the following tag lines coming from an equally sarcastic grumpy bitter shed dwelling type from north of the border-
"Cumbria claimed back by Russia as part of Siberia" "Suffolk to open first winter sports resort" "Intelligent Scots create refugee wave into England as Alex Salmond gives sheep the right to vote on independence"
So I guess a bit hacked off with the weather and Scottish politics? - this was the latest update regarding Mr Salmonds cunning plans-
"The flocks revolting!-Ewe cant pull the wool over our eyes fish-face" says spokessheep Shaggy Lamb
Floating a biscuit
I see a school has banned triangle shaped food
- all though I think horse shaped food is still on the menu-does this mean we will be seeing warnings such as "This food food may contain triangle shapes" -that's Dairylea and Laughing Cow fucked then isn't it?
Anyway stating on a product what it "May" contain is bloody lazy - what the label should really read is-
"it may contain something we really cant be arsed testing for" or " our product quality and production methods are so slack that it could contain something that will make you shit like a veal calf for a month or it may not"
Fish face and veal calf's
Sharp soft cheese -safety alert?
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 25th March 2013 4:43pm gmt
Normal stuff,memories, grumpy moans,musical bells
View from the edge has a bed partner http://shedtunecars.blogspot.co.uk/- I thought it would be easier to keep the car stuff separate,they will both be on the Shedtune web site once sorted out
The last week or so has been the familiar combination of house bashing and Daddy duties - I lucked out of Bastard Ballet this week,my wife being home to take "little pink princess" to the "Pushy Mothers School of Dance" parking our 10 year old Audi A3 next to the new Range Rover "Jordans"
The house bashing has been slow but steady the bathroom floor is now a bit stronger
Still plenty more to do before I start a temporary contract for paid work in mid April
The weekend involved a shopping trip and measuring of feet, the 3 year old proving he is actually growing and needing to move up a shoe size, unfortunately the shoes he wanted and threatened to throw a strop about would have gone well with a white track suit, obligatory Range Rover "Jordan" and a hair transplant-the only saving grace being they were blue and not sodding pink.
I did point out to him that if he chose those it would be a slippery slope into track suits, hoodies, KFC and borstal - apparently I said this a bit loud- and without studying the other clientele in the shop -my wife asking me to disappear before I got glassed-he ended up with the bloody shoes, only because his feet are narrow and they were the only ones the right width
I note with horror that channel four are broadcasting a program called "gogglebox"-which is a "reality show" watching people watching the fucking telly -how bloody lazy, give me a documentary on the 100 year war any-day, I did happen to watch our local news the other day -it must have been a Sunday or a slow news day at least,as they were reporting on a pub music venue in Bath called "The Bell" that might be forced to close-now if I was a local reporter wanting to spice up a boring news report on a grey slow news day Sunday I would have gone with the tag line "Musical Bell ends?" That would have woken them up on (in-front of)"gogglebox" ..."what did he say love?" "not sure something like musical bell ends in Bath" ...."ooh I might watch this pass me the kebab sauce.. don't spill it on my white track suit"
Memories -its odd what can trigger them!
I managed to sneak into the shed for a couple of evenings see http://shedtunecars.blogspot.co.uk/ it was whilst stripping the interior out of the P6 that I found an old pink parking chit- one like the old bus tickets-this one was date stamped 1978 - you were given them by the car park attendants ,who had a little machine, not surprisingly just like the bus conductor use to have -the car park was a bit of what was called "waste ground" back in those days-before property developers existed - parking bays marked out using old concrete sleepers -the attendant was an old boy in a little shed-wore a cap and was more than likely a member of the Royal British Legion,during the seventies every down at heel Northern town had car parks like these.
The ticket brought memories flooding back to me of just that sort of car park in Whitehaven which was the nearest "big" town to where I grew up (It was a fifteen mile drive and always an adventure).
The ticket I had found was in fact printed with "Whitehaven car park" - the Rover P6 was a car local to where I grew up and would have used that car park on a regular basis, hence the ticket under the seat -one memory strangely relates directly to the car park itself, it was a sunny day (strange for Cumbria) myself and older sister had obviously be sent off with Dad "to the shops"- in the car park was a brand spanking new Jaguar XJS V12 - red I seem to remember,not the sort of car you saw every day in our bit of west Cumbria,especially in that car park,Dad was obviously quite taken with it as was I,he filmed sister and I walking round it posing pretending to be rock stars or something -the fact he used some of the very precious and expensive " film" in his second hand "fixed in the shed" cine camera (he still calls digital video cameras cine cameras) meant it was an occasion- the only reason I can think he even had the camera with him,could have been why we had gone to the shops in the first place, to buy film for it- in preparation for one of our nomadic family holidays.these were spent touring Scottish lochs with caravan,mirror dinghy and my five brothers and sisters-we had a 1970 Transit 12 seater as a family car,but by 1978 we had a Peugeot 504 "family estate" that could carry 7- (by that time my eldest brother and sister were excused the caravan holidays)-all these memories triggered by a parking ticket in an 41 year old Rover than ended up with me more by accident than plan,I need to dig out that old cine film and convert it to digital ,you never know the P6 could be in the background somewhere.
posted by Andrew Pearcehttps://firstname.lastname@example.org 19th March 2013 4:22pm gmt
Horse meat products-vegetarian option now avalible
You would think with recent events surrounding horse meat being sold as beef Tescos would be checking what goes into their products- imagine my surprise when preparing vegetables for dinner I found obvious traces of human DNA
That's a potato sack
posted by Shed tunehttps://email@example.com 14th March 2013 4:00pm gmt
Views expressed here are personal are not necessarily endorsed by Club Triumph